Okay so a series of unfortunate events have prevented me from making it to Greer's, but I'm hoping you can make a speech on my behalf to the team: (you can start with that last sentence as the intro)
NOTE: read parentheses out loud too*
Wow! What a season, am I right? (Pause for laughter, if no one laughs explain the irony as I have only played 4 games and frankly have some pretty rusty ultimate skills). This award is such an honor, wait what?! There's no rookie of the year award...fuck! Well... I feel I am the most deserving of it anyways (I am the only rookie after all). In just a few short games I really have climbed the ranks to being a champion. I had a couple near asthma attacks and rode the sideline all the way to a championship! Today I was reminiscing on the good old days when Paddy used to be a total dick on the field. If we went to any games, mom would make us sit far enough away that we couldn't hear him swearing at Brent, Keith, etc.. It was then that I fell in love with ultimate. He just seemed to be having so much fun and truly was upholding the spirit ideals the sport prides itself on. I knew I wanted to be just like him when I too had passed my prime. (Pause for chirps, if they do not immediately ensue throw the first one at Paddy).
I'm just fucking with ya! Paddy was my first ultimate coach and quite literally taught me everything I know, which might actually embarrass him more than that last part cause again I'm pretty rusty (pause for people to reassure me of my athletic abilities).
I couldn't be happier that I'm a few years younger than you all for a couple reasons:
Firstly Paolo doesn't yell at me when I make stupid mistakes.
Secondly, well I mean just look at me! (Hold up my most recent glamour shot for crowd to admire)
And lastly I am the most glad because you all seem to have a lot more fun than back in those days of Paddy's dick-like play. I can honestly say that I have had such a blast playing ultimate with you all! I think if I was a few years older and played with dick-Paddy a few years ago I would've been scared shitless of some of you and not enjoyed it quite so much. So thank god for being so young (and beautiful!). But more importantly, thank you all for being such great teammates! Thanks for telling me where to go on the field and trusting me enough to throw the disc to me. Thanks for all the encouragement and for reassuring me, through your play the past few weeks, that you all have grown into not only better ultimate players but also more spirited ones!
It's been super real and pretty awesome too (pause briefly, then go back and reread the last sentence putting emphasis on "awesome" then pause for the pity laughter that should follow).
Thanks again for having me as a part of your team and I look forward to playing more ulti with you all in the future! Take care!!
- Claire, Aug 27, 2015